Sunday, Jul. 20, 2008 - 6:53 p.m.
Taser & the White Doom Dog
******************************
Three nights ago
one of my least favourite
people in town
strolled past Taser and me
by the lake
with a huge dumb white dog
that was not on a leash
This right in the epicentre of
a heavily posted
" Dogs must be on a leash" park area
That big dumb dog
immediately lunged at my kitten
without any provocation
Taser ran way way way up a tree
to save his own life
the dogs boss lady
just smiled somewhat vacantly
and warbled how
" her dog loves cats"
I questioned this theory
and said so
but she just yelled at her dog
and walked on
i felt grateful she left
and then spent the next hour
coaxing my kitten down
that was an hour in the dark
I spent undoing three seconds
of brainless dog aggression
two nights ago
same lady strolls past us at the lake-
I was sitting mindling my own business
at a pic nic table
doing a little watercolour
Taser was playing around at my feet
catching and eating junebugs
and her big dumb dog was unleashed - again
and chases Taser up the same tree - again
I just shake my head- again
at the sheer stupidness of it all
and the lady interupts me
and asks what i am doing,
" Is that art? I love art,.." .
as if she was describing ice cream
She did not pick up on my agitation
and did not accept my explanation of
" I don't show unfinished work "
but instead, leaned over me working
and began to
shuffle some paper sketches I had with me
as if it was folding her own inderwear
" Those are _not for public viewing" I said
""Oh I will only be a minute " she cooed
as if she was doing me a favour
but didn't stop her snoopy invasion
I was not rude to her
because she is my friends
zero brained Mom-
-Now I know why he drinks too much
-has so many nasty tattoos
- and gets in so many fights-
living with her would make anybody crazy
- maybe why his dad worked 60 hrs a week
- maybe thats why her dog is an angry idiot
I just couldn;t get rid of her
even as I began to pack up
and bang my stuff around
as loudly I could
without breaking anything
she wanted me to explain to her
what I was painting ..
was it that sunset?...
gesturing at the
scarlet celestial orb yonder
DUH no... its the OTHER sunset
I flash back on Ben Franklins
personal success maxim of
"Mind your business"
but i realise this lady had never
worked at a job in her life-
she was a full time Mom
but none of her kids
had lived at home in years
I don;'t know what you call
a redundant parent
that doesm't start with " ass"
and end with "hole"
In her unemployed mind
I was there just to perform for her
and the world was one big shopping mall
with legions of staff eager to please
their special guest shopper- her
all this and her dumb ass dog
snapping and growling
trying to get at Taser
trapped high above in the tree
It was surreal it was so stupid
Nutbar lady waved and called out to me
as she walked away swinging her
unattached dog leash
like a Las Vegas stage prop
stating with great confidence that
" Sunsets were Gods' special blessing for us "
I almost said
....... " so are streetlights"
but I didn't in case
God was watching me
get pissed off
about nothing
Yet another wasted hour in the dark
trying to coax one very angry Taser down
it was too dark and hot and muggy
for such an awkward rescue
I was crabby and thirsty
Taser was angry and aloof
way beyond my reach
twenty feet off the ground
mosquitos bit furiously at my bare legs
Taser howled mournfully-
his special time at the lake
had ended up ruined - again
by a big retarded dog
It was not what i would call
one of our better visits to the lake
I slapped mosquitos in the dark
and begged him to please come down
I guess he got tired of hearing me bitch
so he made an attempt at self rescue
this time Taser slipped
while descending the tree
and fell the final ten feet
straight down
& wacked into the ground
rendering him dizzy and anxious
it was hard catching him' afterwards
as he ran in circles evading me
to ride him home
Gods' special blessing
had been over for more than 45 minutes
its very hard to catch
an angry kitten
in the dark
Tonite as i was playing with Taser
by the lake at sunset
same lady comes up to us
with the same growling dog off leash
and calls out " hello there you two"
her unleashed dog runs up to us
and growls at my innosent kitten
Taser is too far away
from the tree to make a climb
so he just goes nuts at my feet
and hisses like an airbrake letting go
occassionally stealing glances
in my direction
for basic protection
against the alien foe
I call out to the lady who is waltzing over
to say hello
" come -get -your- dog "
she hust waved and smiled
" get- your- dog -away _right- now-
and i would appreciate it
if you put him
on that leash
you- have- there
-in- your -hand "
Lady smiles and vacantly says
" Oh he just loves cats!
he used to live with two Siamese cats "
I don;t believe her and neither does Taser
who is spitting in the dumb dogs face
ready to slice said dog
into bacon at any moment
" Well my cat is not happy to see him again..
please leash him up or.. or.."
Then I realized,..
i was about to utter a threat
of violence to a
.....dog
An alltime low
in my road to spiritual glory
I was just an emo inch away from
kicking a big neurotic dog
right in the head
with my bare foot
and in the process
maybe getting bit myself
so I started to yell like an angry cop
" Move your dog.. move your dog"
as if he was a stalled car
in a busy intersection at rush hour
Lady looked very surprised
but reacted in slow motion
She was obviously
not used to
considering other peoples' reality
with any sort of gravity
and stood there
for almost a full minute
computing this information
and then auto selected
her basic default setting
of reverse gear intuition
to over ride
anything that i was saying
that was not important
in her world view
and so she walked off
waving her hands softly frantic
like she was drying nail polish
and repremanding
her snarling animal slave to
" be nice - be nice "
as the crazed hound barked itself hoarse.
I couldn't help but think
those hush puppy cautions
were actually intended for me
she swished the leash at the dog
like a flyswatter
but made no attempt
to attach said line
to said snarling dog
but at least she went away
Taser was literally vibrating with rage
I could almost see him
praying to Heaven to hurry up
and make him big and strong
so he could finish off these
annoying dog creatures
that so vexed his progress
vowing to leave in his wake
a stack of dumb dog corpses
twenty feet high-
at least getting down
from trees would be easier
with this staircase of dog corpses
then a nice dog came by
with his reasonable people
holding him on a leash
Nice dog didn''t lunge at Taser
and taser didn't break into a rage
they studdied each other
at a respectful distance
Reasonable people waved
nice dog minded his own business
nothing happened --
Taser just watched them walk away
on his reasonable legal leash
100 yards away the nice dog
squatted to relieve himself
his responsible people
calmly picked it ip with a plastic bag
and deposited it in the proper recepticle
as they nice dof tableau
disappeared
behind the screen of cedar trees
I looked at Taser
and he looked at me
and I could almost hear him
thinking out loud
" I suspected all along
that dogs
were all full of it..
now we both know
that they
most definately are
full of it "
****
After Midnight
at home here
as Taser looked on
I drew the rudeist cartoon
of that Lady
that i could dream up..
I haven't done
that sort of revenge art
since i was in grade 5
As a sophisticated adult now-
I am really good at
grade 5 insult art
when honour so requires
if she ever saw
how fat and stupid
i drew her
she would cry
herself to sleep
for a week
but in reality-
she would never
ever imagine
not for even
one moment
that any cartoon
so unflattering
could ever possibly be her-
Likely just some _other
freak od nature
wearing the same clothes as her
carrying a dog leash
as an avenging red kitten look on
I showed it to Matt today
he laughed immoderately
tomorrow I draw her dog
and show it to Taser
if Taser laughs
i will tape it up
above his foodbowl
I don;t care if the dog
recognises himself ...
Besides
' what was he doing
in Tasers private art gallery ?
�
