Monday, Feb. 23, 2015 - 10:37 p.m.
Forever, Here I Come
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I was thinking today. I am rethinking it again right now, that what if I have reached the point in my life where- this is it?
Am I levelling out at the cruising altitude I have climbed to after several years- this may be it-- art, and creativity, good food, live music, interesting projects, more pop as usual- excellent health. Not rich but not in want and I owe nobody. I live in a small town paradise with lots of what I value and very little of what I detest. That is a huge bonus
A year ago I wanted a soulmate, girlfriend, someone to share my life with- but I am over that bio-desperation lap at least for now. I am reasonably happy with who I am and what I am doing, delighted with what the future has in store for me.
Had I settled for the first girl who flashed her lights at me, I'd be pretty sorry right now..that's the truth. Settling for third best when I am completely capable of entertaining myself and others, and can say I am actually making some real progress in ways and means that I value
Had I been spot welded to some dull chick who just wanted to cuddle in front of the tv, fret about dinner and the laundry then drag me to family functions four times a year to watch them get drunk and talk sports and/or the phantom economy .. whew I might as well have just signed on to an apprenticeship program in hell and watched my ambitions fade away in extitential regret.
But I did not take that detour.. somehow I was spared all that vast thunderstorm in a jam jar drama. No chicks that I know actually want the blessing of children, no- they want to be self entitled children themselves = gifting and drifting as dome guy looks on then drop anchor with a house mortgage, pretend that its an investment they can walk away from and basically, just give up. Give up and make do and get by and make complaining into an art form
Loneliness suggests bad planning- not lack of company. I am not lonely, I can handle solitude and any combination of social interaction. I have my favourite people , always expanding the list - but I still have me at the end of the day, whom I hardly even notice. My self image is looking at two arms from the elbows down doing things in front of my face , new things- skillful purposeful well done things. Interesting things that delights me in the doing and leaves me with a sense of pride and accomplishment at the end of the day. I would rather be in the hospital than cuddling on a couch watching crap TV waiting for a pizza as my reward in life.
So if I am snob, and will not walk into a cage, I guess I am a feral art man - alone and loving it. I am looking forward to leaving winter behind for two weeks and flying to the tropics for two weeks. In spite of a global recession, and all that other adult life economic voo doo I was able to save up for a splendid warm climate vacation without it hurting me - it was actually ruin to juggle priorities to make it happen and away I go. With like minded friends who don't drink or dope or whore... We want positive experiences and we will accept nothing less than a wonderful time. I don't even mention this vacation to my stoner party pals - they won;'t even notice I am gone.. I won't miss them either.What a snob I have become, and I am not even ashamed.
I wonder if I am saving myself for something I cannot articulate.. uh.. all shined up and eager for something other than small town Canada .. something International. Maybe I will bump into a she of my species who is migrating away from where she is sort of stuck and looking for more to engage in. I would buy her dinner just to hear her tell me
Whatever is next, it is going to be something where my completely passé old school clean living hard working eternity aimed soul will feel at home. I am not travelling to relax on a beach , I am on expedition to find some sort of treasure
Canada is a great place to have come from, but it is not exactly a great place to be dropping anchor and getting old in. Its too cold,too whiney, and not dynamic enough for my skill set and ambition. I grew up in a city and moved by choice to a small town.. and I am comfortable in both the city and the country,, I can live with too much stimulation and not enough stimulation.. I can ignore vice and zoom in on bigger value targets.
I might just be full of shit and have way too high an opinion of my abilities. But better to err on the side of confidence than false modesty.. the way I see it, one has to become something first to be modest about it. Otherwise its just a bad self image.. no sense coming in second in your own life race. Nobody would even know, much less care.
live right, live well, live long be happy or make the necessary changes that ensure these bright stars are not obscured by doubt clouds. This is the only life I will ever have, and so far so good. I am grateful that I am happier than I deserve and am blessed with more substance and opportunity thanI have worked to achieve.
Last year was good
but this year is going to be
at least until next year
If I don't end up with a forever family
I will have a forever career I can be proud of
Not bad actually
doors to everything
I still want are still wide open
Forever, here I come
