Saturday, Aug. 18, 2007 - 11:23 p.m.
Making the World Safe for Tuna Treats
*************************************
Asleep last night
i was awoken
by the sound of Jinky
noisily pushing his food dish around
The kitchen floor.
Then I heard him sneeze in the darkness
of my bedroom-
if Jinky was asleep here
then who was in the kitchen?
I burst out of bed like a Ninja huricane
and snapped on the hall light
and saw a fat greedy raccoon
masked face burried in a bowl of catfood
he must have popped a screen
and sneaked in
in a flash he was down the steps
and ran towards the door'
but he found his escape route closed
so he climbed up the door screen
and was preparing to rip it open
with his sharp claws to gain his freedom
at this point Jinky had run up
and was hovering between my feet
red fur standing on edge
hissing like a tea kettle
madder than I have ever seen him
I spun around to grab
the only suitable weapon
to neutralize a raccoon intruder
and thats a plastic spray bottle
full of homemade work surface cleaner..
( 75% tap water- 25% ammonia )
I twisted the little dial
to shoot a solid stream of liquid
and fired at the raccoon
soaking his furry face as best I could
Raccoon intruder
may well have been the same perp
who trashed my kitchen last week
Dilute Household Ammonia
will not hurt anybody
but it will temporarily blind him
and leave a lasting impression
that this is not a good place
to break into
Ammonia reeking raccoon
falls to the floor like a stone
and saves me the trouble & expense
of replacing the screen
Jinky lunges at him bravely
to defend his hard earned tuna
even though the fat raccoon
outweighs him 5 : 1
brave but not smart
so I grab my raging kitten
by the tail
with one hand
and pull him backwards
across the kitchen floor
to keep him away from
those unforgiving jaws
of the raccoon intruder :
and with the other hand
open the kitchen door in the dark
and prop it open
with a paint can
careful to keep my bare feet away
from those same unforgiving raccoon jaws
as he hisses at me in criminal defiance
all the while I am aiming
my trusty spritzer
of homemade ammonia cleaner
on his cheerio like racoon arse
in case he decides to jump at either of us
pushing one very annoyed Jinky
on attack mode
back from the fracus
and behind the safety
of the kitchen door.
We wait on the other side of the door
for the raccoon to relax
- clear his vision'
-and escape unharmed
through the open door
and into the cool August night
where he belongs
Jinky is so mad he is shedding fur
and stamping his feet
narrowing his eyes into slits of legitimate rage
and sniffing under the door
at the mysterious cascades of super ammonia
which,
in the animal social code
ammonia is the signature of
weapons grade urine
I think Jinky was suitably impressed
that I could urinate so effectively
in the heat of battle against
the raccoon Taliban
and defend our territory
against all evil
and i was suitably impressed
that little Jinky
- the Jedi Knight
would go after
a much larger animal than himself
without a mnoments hesitation
to defend our mutally essential
sacred home territory
and its floor level tuna treats
After a few dramatic minutes of waiting
behind the kitchen door
panting like pirates
we could hear one very confused racoon
squeeking like Paris Hilton
at a bail hearing
bolt through the kitchen door
and into the night
We had won
over a determined adversary
with our co ordinated bravery
-split second timing
- appropriate technology weapons
and thus, by the will of Allah
sent the fat masked devil
back to the dump
where he belongs
whether the mysterious Jinky
had been partying
with that raccoon last night
or not
- I will never know..
.....Yesterday
.......... was a
...............long time ago
